Bliss.

Charlie’s in bed, Ash and Max have gone to the movies to see Tintin. I am sitting in my clean, warm house…blissfully alone.

Tina Arena Must Die.

I expressed a passing dislike for Tina Arena and so for the last 10 minutes my 7 year old has been enacting the ways he would take her down, complete with commando rolls and choke holds.

God I love that kid.

Walla!

I was thinking today of my favourite misunderstood spelling of words and it has to be ‘walla’.

When you’ve done something fantastic and pull back the sheet to reveal it you proclaim “Walla!”

Voila.

Gorgeous.

Here’s something I prepared earlier.

Pancakes and rain.

The boys enjoying pancakes on a rainy day. My iPad takes pretty ordinary photos but the apps to mess around with them are fun!

I love school holidays. Endless days stretching ahead, no school lunches to make, just fun to be had. We’ve got lots of friends coming to stay over New Year and into January. I really love the new people Ash has brought into my life, they’re just genuinely really good people with a love for life, complete lack of bitchiness and basically just a lot of fun to hang out with. One of my best friends, Nicky, from high school is coming too and I can’t wait to see her. We drifted apart when she moved away from the mountains but since a chance meeting in Newy a couple of years ago, we’ve reconnected and I totally adore her, as does Ash. We stay with her whenever we’re in Newy and have wonderful long conversations that reach into the night. She’s a very special girl.

Life is just plain good these days. It’s intense sometimes and very family orientated but to be honest, since meeting the love of my life and ridding myself of people who aren’t good for me, it’s making me happy. When Charlies a little older I’ll be going back to finish my studies and build my long overdue career but for now I’m loving being snuggled up in the arms of my beautiful family. After years of struggle, I can’t believe how lucky I am.

Happiness.

I had a beautiful little reminder of how lucky I am today. The way my life has turned out has made all the bad things totally worth it. I have never felt happier and more comfortable with who I’ve become and it’s a pretty damn wonderful feeling. Who knew this kind of life was even possible? Certainly I never did when I was sleep walking through my unhappy life. I’d get down on my knees and thank god if I believed in him, I really would

We won’t get lost again.

I’m trying to write at 1.38am but I keep getting distracted by the music in my ears. I have next to no space to myself these days. My gorgeous family consumes my waking moments even when they’re asleep or at the shops. Night time is the only time I truly feel alone and like my old self. Why is that? I don’t know and my time is limited so I won’t dwell upon it.

I’m loving two songs at the moment,

The Aston Shuffle – Won’t Get Lost,

Calvin Harris – Feel so Close.

Guilty pleasures as Captain Ahab would say.

I don’t want to sleep and lose this feeling.

This feeling of self.

But I must.

Love.

My view when I go to the loo whenever Ash has had a bath.

Fuck you word police.

Hi my name is jade. If you can read this an still comprehend that I’m a worrhwile part of society despite the typos and various other misdemeanors, your a champion. If you could only see the errors an typos, what is it you cunt face?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Epiphany.

It’s quite amazing to me to see how easy I’m finding it to stay with this relationship. Even though we go through some difficult stuff occasionally, I never contemplate ending things with Ash. For me, that’s huge, it’s never happened before. Normally within the first year of a relationship I know deep down it’s doomed but I struggle on for another year regardless and then look for a way out. Not with this guy, three years and still going strong.

It’s actually really bloody exciting.

Free Range Kids.

I’m a massive fan of the free range kids idea and I try and give freedoms as much as I can but I’ve realised I only give them in pretty safe situations and congratulate myself for letting them ‘roam’ when actually they aren’t really ‘roaming’, they just think they are. Honestly, even though I know all the statistics and all the arguments I still freak out when my kids are too long out of my sight.

Take today for example, I went shopping in a rural town and my 7 year old asked if he could run ahead to the lolly aisle and choose his treat. Sure! Of course, you take ten million years to choose your treat anyway and I’m all for independence, so off you go!

Yay me!

15 mins later I’m running nervously up and down the shop looking for my son, horror stories running through my head, heart beating like crazy. Where the **** is he??

I was emotionally petrified in that moment, the rational side of me knew he was probably just looking for me as I was looking for him but the irrational side was freaking out and about to cry.

Anyway, I found him looking for me in the dairy section and all was well, I didn’t let on I’d been freaked out and we kept shopping.

I know it’s ‘stupid’ and I’m very well educated on this whole subject but I still can’t shake the fear feeling when my kid is out of my sight for too long.

Having said this, I will continue to let my children run off and have adventures, but I will be honest and tell you I’ll be freaking out the whole time.